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Any child who’s enjoyed the undivided attention of both parents for any length of time-say, a year or longer-will suffer what child psychologists call dethronement when a new baby arrives. This is not simply about having to take second place with Mom and Dad for a while, nor putting up with less attention than before. It’s about feeling displaced and rejected. Nearly all toddlers suffer a deep sense of loss of parental love when a new sibling arrives. It’s not surprising that their psychological disturbance shows in changes in their behavior after the new arrival.

To a small child, the arrival of a new baby topples him from the top of the heap, from being first in his mother’s considerations, the apple of her eye and the focus of her love, nurture, and attention. A child feels this displacement very dramatically and, of course, responds as only a small child knows how: by using all the tactics at his disposal to regain his parents’ love and attention.

The result can be “regression,” which means the toddler goes back to earlier, happier times, when he couldn’t feed himself, perhaps, or when he wet and soiled his diapers, or before he’d learned to talk. This may look to adults like some sort of rebellion, but a toddler can’t help this behavior. So the worst thing you can do is punish him for it. In fact, the opposite is essential ­the needs some extra-special time alone with Mom and Dad, extra-special loving care, plenty of rewards, praise and physical affection with games, kisses, cuddles, and lots of jokes and laughter.

Armed with this knowledge of how your toddler is likely to react to the arrival of a brother or sister, you can ease him through this painful time with some careful preparation and planning.

Involving your older child in the pregnancy. Be honest with your child from the start. Tell him that a new baby is on the way and he’s going to have a new brother or sister. You might even ask him what his favorite names are. Make a list, put them up in the kitchen, and talk about them from time to time.

Encourage your child to put his hand on your tummy as it gets bigger to feel the baby kicking. You could also tell him that your baby loves the sound of his voice and that he should talk to her through your tummy. Ask him to sing her songs and nursery rhymes through your tummy.

Incidentally, this isn’t all hot air. Your developing baby does remember the voices of those around her and will bond with them after birth. So she’ll respond instantly on hearing her brother’s or sister’s voice once she’s born, if she’s heard it constantly during your pregnancy.

Helping your older child to understand what’s happening

Show him what’s happening in your tummy month by month using the pictures from internet. Copy them on large sheets of paper so that it’s all very clear. Point out how the baby is developing and put up the drawings around the wall at a height where your toddler can see them easily. Perhaps you could then make up stories about each stage of the new baby’s development saying things like, “Now your new baby’s heart is beating.” “Now your new baby can move his hands and legs and we can feel him kicking.” “Now your new baby can suck her thumb.” “Now your new baby is getting ready to be born,” and so on.

Try to encourage your toddler to take ownership of his new sister by using the word “your,” as in “your baby,” “your new sister.” If you do, very soon he’ll develop a sense of ownership and of a desire to take care of his new brother or sister. If you and your partner always talk about “our new baby,” he may feel excluded and frozen out.

It’ll help your toddler to feel included if you involve him in the preparations for the new baby-helping to make up the crib and setting out equipment, for example. You might even suggest that he could try out the baby bath first, saying something like, “Wouldn’t you like to see what the baby bath feels like before your sister uses it?”

All toddlers like to help and love to imitate your actions. So give your toddler small jobs to do and be very appreciative of all his efforts. You can show him all the new baby’s tiny clothes and encourage him to feel special by saying how much bigger he is and how much he’s grown since he needed them.

This entry was posted on Thursday, March 27th, 2008 at 12:49 pm and is filed under Health. You can subscribe via RSS 2.0 feed to this post's comments. You can comment below, or link to this permanent URL from your own site. Your comments will appear immediately, but I reserve the right to delete innapropriate comments.